by jot and tittle

Genesis 32 records Jacob's journey back to Canaan after serving his father-in-law for twenty years (Gen. 31:38). His brother, Esau, is on his way to meet Jacob, which freaks Jacob out because they did not part on the best of terms (Gen. 27: 41-28:5), and Jacob does what godly men do: he prays and reminds God of his promises. During his prayer in Genesis 32 he reminds God of this command and promise "Return to your country and to your family, and I will deal well with you" (ver. 9) and again in verse 12 he reminds God of His statement "I will surely treat you well."  This struck me because the rest of Jacob's life does not go what I would call "well". Sure, Esau doesn't kill him, but in the chapters that follow his daughter is raped and his sons slaughter a town, Rachel dies, Isaac dies, Joseph is sold into slavery, Judah strays from his family and from God and God kills his sons because of their wickedness, there's a famine and when Jacob...

 Grief is a crazy thing. Sometimes you cry till you fall asleep, sometimes you're angry, sometimes you can't feel anything, and sometimes you're so, so tried. Grief is also unpredictable in that it can take a long time to heal...and sometimes it feels like its been healed and then you're crying on your way home from the grocery store and you aren't even sure why. Grief is not logical and polite and convenient. It interrupts our lives on its terms. A couple mornings ago I was thinking about how tired I am. I'm not weepy or angry or even really sad, just tired, and this tiredness is physical, mental, and emotional. Which surprises me because my life is actually really great and I haven't had anything in recent months to be sad about. However, the more I contemplated it,  I think the tiredness is a long term symptom of a deep sadness that I lived in a couple years ago. Which is the first thing I wanted to share with you. Maybe, like me, there has been nothing r...