The Lord graciously made me with a happy disposition. My natural bent is joy. A couple years ago, however, something happened that shattered my heart. Due to the extreme emotional hurt, I was physically ill. I cried every day for weeks, then a couple times a week for months. For a long time I was sad. For years, the truest, deepest emotion I felt was sadness. When you live with sadness you get pretty good at carrying on. You live your normal life but where the world used to be full of colour, now your life is tinted by grief. If someone asked "how are you?" I could honestly say "good" because I was walking closely with God, but if someone had asked "how do you feel?" I would have had to reply "sad."
Psalm 66 became the theme of my emotional experience. "You brought us through fire and through water, you laid a crushing burden on our backs."
That's how I felt.
All the time.
Surrounded by fire and water, often burdened beyond what I could carry. I knew God had a purpose and a plan, which gave me a peace and hope, but it did not revoke the sorrow.
I share this because I know I'm not the only one. There are people who are reading this who feel sad and have felt sad for a long time. Not depressed, not angry, not even feeling that they've been treated unfairly, but a profound grief because of life circumstances and experiences.
There are people reading this who believe in and trust the sovereignty and goodness of God while at the same time are deeply, deeply sorrowful because of the effects of sin in this world.
Godly grief is not sinful. We can hold both.
One thing that helped me immensely was a book called "Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy" by Mark Vroegop. He taught me how to use the Psalms and lament. Lament is something we never talk about, but I believe understanding godly lament is fundamental for the Christian. We will drown in this sinful world if we do not learn to lament before the face of God, in the arms of God. (perhaps a post on lament will appear here in the future).
I lamented, I prayed for joy. For a long time joy did not come. We're talking years. I thought I would never live in the sunshine of constant joy again.
Then, very recently, while I was driving home from dinner with friends, I realized quite suddenly that I didn't feel sad anymore. I'm sure it had been happening gradually, but it felt sudden to me. The dark cloak of sorrow had fallen off and joy had taken its place.
I say all this because, having walked through the valley of the shadow and come to the other side, I want you to know that your prayers for joy, your hope that light will eventually shine in your heart again, they are not for nothing. I do not know why God is bringing you through fire and water, but now I have also experienced the next phrase in that psalm, "He has brought us to a place of abundance." Having experienced both, I carry on with "come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will declare what He has done for my soul...But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer, nor His mercy from me!"
God hears your prayers. There is a purpose in the suffering that you experience. Child of God, He is bringing you to a place of abundance. He is with you in all the sadness. As Bethany Bernard sings, "But You, Son of Man, Love incarnate, You don't see from far away. You come, and sit with me, and grieve with me, and I see tears on Your face" (Tears on Your Face). The Saviour is with you in the suffering, He will hold you in this night season whether you feel Him or not.
Hold on to hope, dear, sorrowing, Christian.
He who promised is faithful, and He will bring you to abundance, either in this life or the life to come. Someday, all will be made right and you will have joy again.
What I'm Reading Lately
- Perelandra by CS Lewis. This was our book club book.
- The first two books in Judith Pella and Michael Phillip's "The Russians" series. If you want to learn more about Russia around 1885, these novels are great.
- Sarah Edwards, Delighting in God, by Sharon James.
What I'm Enjoying Lately
- 1&2 Chronicles. You know, they're books in the Bible.
- Warmer weather and the walking trails in town.
- Singing Psalms during morning worship. If you are not from a Psalm singing tradition, this is the Psalter that my church uses.
- My little dishwasher.
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