It has occurred to me recently that as I get older, so does everyone else, and that as I complete my third decade of earthly existence, others have completed their second. Sometimes it feels that we grow in age little by little; eighteen to nineteen, nineteen to twenty, and sometimes it feels like our age jumps while we were looking the other way; twenty-five to twenty-seven, twenty-seven to thirty. I am in the later category. I'm mean, just last week I was twenty-one...and then I went camping and woke up as a thirty-year-old. Craziness.
The physical responses to camping are not, however, the only differences between twenty-one and thirty.
As I listen to younger women converse about their dreams for marriage and children--which is almost always followed by the lament that there are no men to fulfil the husband's part of the covenant--there are a few things that I wish someone had told twenty-one year old me...things that I now offer to you.
Now, there are two different ways to learn things--there is learning through experiences and learning through other people teaching you (either verbally or via written word) and while the first option typically produces a stronger understanding, just take the things I share below and tuck them into your back pocket for when you need.
ONE: IF YOU ARE SINGLE RIGHT NOW, IT IS GOOD FOR YOU TO BE SO
The Bible is clear that God is sovereign and good and that He has only ultimate good in store for His kids. As Charles Spurgeon says "God is too good to be unkind and too wise to be mistaken." When we feel despondent or sad, or even bitter and angry, about living out a story that is nothing like hallmark or disney or our own dreams, the trouble is not that God messed up. God did not forget to create a husband for me thirty-ish years ago. That's utter nonsense. The trouble is that I have begun to believe the lie that God messed up.
Do I believe that God has only good planned for me, that He has written my days in His book and that He will work out everything for my good? Intellectually, always. Experientially, not always. But when the lies creep in, I must counter them with truth. The truth is that God has planned so many good things for me that I won't be able to recount them if someone asked (Psalm 40) so then "why are you cast down, oh my soul? Hope in God" (Psalm 42).
Our experiential knowledge of God has to be more concrete if we are to counter the lies that our culture, ourselves, and sometimes even our churches tell us. Do you feel blue about being single? I recommend getting out your Bible and reading it. Read it like God wrote it to you. The more I know of God, the more content I am in my station. And the more of the Bible I know, the more there is for the Holy Spirit to bring to mind when I am discouraged.
TWO: LIFE IS BETTER THAN I DREAMED. HARDER, BUT ALSO BETTER
If you had told me ten years ago that I would be sitting at my computer writing at blog post about singleness at 3:00 in the afternoon rather than watch my six children play in a sprinkler, I would have not been impressed (that is probably a gross understatement). This is not the life I wanted nor is this the life I was raised for. Yes, I was raised to think for myself, make my own decisions, and be independent...but I was also raised to cook dinners, clean house, do laundry, and care for children. I was apprenticed to be a wife and mom, if you will. And those two things did not happen. But, that does not mean I have an empty, miserable life. My life is chalked full of people of all ages. Yes, life is incredibly hard sometimes, but it is better than I ever imagined because...
THREE: LONELINESS IS AN INVIATION TO KNOW GOD BETTER
I do not think I would know God like I do if I was married. God uses marriage to draw some people closer to Himself, and He uses singleness for other people. God is primarily concerned about our relationship with Him, because relationship with Him is what we were made for. Knowing God is life itself.
When I am alone and want to talk to someone, I talk to God because He's the only one here. When I am sad and have a good cry, it is God who comforts me because again, He's the only one here. There has been immense blessing in consistently walking through life with God. He has become real to me. He has become my Best Friend. And if singleness is the means that God uses to make Jesus your best friend, you will count the blessing well worth the pain of the trial.
FOUR: GRIEVE WHAT YOU MISS
Those six children with my nose and my husband's eyes running through the sprinkler do not exist, and as my biological clock continues to tick away, the likelihood of there being six of them is getting slimmer and slimmer (though twins do run in my family, so maybe). And that's sad. It's sad to show up at another wedding without a date and attend another baby shower having never felt a little human kick you from the inside.
What do we do with the sadness? The Psalms offer an excellent template. We tell God all about it, maybe we empty a box of Kleenex while we cry it out, and then we slog out of the miry bog of sorrow and come to stand on the rock solid truth that God is good and does good, that He is good to me and does good to me. That does not mean we are never sad again. Many a Kleenex box has held vigil on my kitchen floor while the tears fell. Cry the tears. Be sad. And let them all out, whether it takes five minutes or three hours. But don't stay there. Go to God with it. He will meet you in the sorrow.
FIVE: PEOPLE WILL SAY DUMB STUFF TO YOU
This isn't so much advice as just a warning; people are going to stay dumb stuff to you. People are going to remind you that you aren't getting any younger, that all your friends and siblings are married, that you need to get out there and try harder. They'll tell you that you'd be a great mom and a wonderful wife and that your ability to cook is wasted since you don't have a husband (spoiler alert, everyone actually likes good food, not just husbands, so you can go ahead and cook good food for just you or for other people.) So just know that when people say stupid things it's typically because a) they don't know what to say and b) they are trying to be kind. So take it graciously. Also, the happier you are and the less you complain about the lack of godly men to date, the less other people will comment on it. Believe it or not, as people get to know you, they don't typically think of you as the single girl who has a problem that needs to be fixed, they just think of you as their friend. So, be gracious when people are rude, the more they get to know you the better the situation will be probably get.
If the situation does not get better (say there are certain people at your church who consistently say unkind things) you can always either tell them yourself that you don't appreciate their comments (but be polite) or you can get a trusted friend to do it for you.
SIX: HAVE FRIENDS
Have friends who are married (and then be friends with the whole family; wife, husband, kids) and have friends who are single. If you aren't good at making friends, here is some advice about that.
But the biggest thing I would have you remember is that God is good and does good (Psalm 119:68). He does good to you. Whether He makes you single forever, gives you cancer, has your husband die, causes you to lose a child, or brings some other difficulty into your life, believe with every fiber of your being that God is good and that this life is God doing what is best for you. God never shortchanges His kids, so fight the lie that God isn't really good, it is a dragon that would devour your soul. He has good plans for you personally, and He will fulfil them.
"I will cry to God Most High, to God who accomplishes all things for me."
Psalm 57:2 NASB
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