Lonely Life

People are lonely. Sometimes I'm tempted to think that my sister in Christ who has a husband and children could not possibly be lonely, but that's not true. People in all walks of life are are lonely; single, married, children, elderly, all different types of people are lonely. 

"No one told me how lonely being a mom with two little kids would be."

"I didn't expect to be living alone in my late twenties."

"When our youngest moved out and I retired the same year, I wasn't prepared for how quiet the house would be, for how lonely I am."

Have you ever said something like that? 

I moved out when I was twenty, first living with my brother (who was always gone on the weekends) and then living with a couple other girls. At this point I've lived alone for four and a half years. There are times when I have known that sad desperation of feeling like I was friendless. 

The first thing to do is to tell God. "God, I am lonely." It's ok, you can tell Him out loud. You don't have to pretend to have it all together, to be living your perfect, happy life (I'll tell you a secret, none of us are living perfectly happy lives). God knows already, but He is also a good Father and delights to hear His children tell Him all the things. He listens. The Psalms are full of the refrain, "I cried to the Lord," followed by "He heard me." 

And then ask God to give you a friend. I have prayed for a friend many times in my adult life and God has always provided. Sometimes He took months to provide and He used the seasons of loneliness to teach me about Himself, and sometimes those friends were only for seasons. But He has never left me friendless. 

The next thing to do is to go out and try to make friends. You cannot expect that one day you'll hear a knock on the door and your perfect friend will be standing there with flowers and cookies, ready to be besties until death do you part. If you want a friend, you need to be proactive in making friends. Here are some suggestions to help:

1. The ideal place to start is with your church family. If you have a church directory, go get it out and flip through. Consider a couple women and send them a text with an invitation to come over, meet at the park, go for a walk, etc. Making friends can be hard work, but the setting does not need to be difficult. If you're hesitant, a walk or meeting at the park are more ideal because both those things can end somewhat when you deem it necessary to leave. If you want to have people over but feel nervous about the prospect of talking for a couple hours to the same woman you don't really know, invite another woman or two to come over as well. The more people who are there, the more people there are to carry the conversation. And don't feel restricted to have only women from the same stage of life over. Have Cheryl with her four kids and Beth who works full time and Marie who just retired. We are different in many ways, but we have the same Lord. Have them over, make a pot of tea and open a bag of oreos, it doesn't have to be hard.  

2. Be interested in what she is interested in. For the vast majority of my adult life, I have been the only single woman in my church, so that means my only friend options were married women, almost all of them with children. There are some things we have in common, like meal planning and Bible reading, but other things that we don't and, to be completely honest, I'm not particularly interested in. And I'm sure there are things in my life that they also don't find interesting either, but a good friend looks not only to her own interests but also to the interests of others, so I ask about feeding schedules and they ask about  my work. 

Another thing is that if the woman you're trying to become friends with has more people in her household, take a genuine interested in those people too. Kids are some of the easiest people to be interested in because they are happy to share with you. "Would you like to see my rock collection?" Yes, absolutely. "Look, I found this stick outside," Wonderful, may I see? "This my favourite book" or "I like to colour, do you want to colour too?" The answer is yes, yes I do. Likewise, if her husband likes cars or politics or French cooking, you may need to learn a few things about those topics. If her roommate is a poetry major you may want to dig up some William Blake or Samuel Coleridge Taylor. 

3. Ask good questions. 

• Have you lived here your whole life?
• What are your go-to meals to make for your family?
• What are you reading in your Bible? When do you read your Bible?
• Are you reading/listening to any good books lately?
• What do you like about your job?
• What do you like about your home?
• What do you like about your husband/kids?
• What music do you listen to?
• How can I pray for you this week?
• What did you do for fun when you were a kid?
• How do you keep your orchid alive? 

To sum it all up very simply; pray and try. Tell God how you feel and ask Him for a friend. Maybe you also need to ask Him for courage to start making friends. Then try. Get out your church directory, text Susie and ask her if she'd like to go for a walk next week Tuesday at 10:00, or call Martha and see if you can come visit her at the nursing home on Thursday with your baby. 

You do not need to continue being lonely. Maybe you've believed that, but it simply is not true. If I can make lasting, deep friendships in a church full of mamas, you can make friends too.