For as long as you can remember, you have been told that normal people sleep through the night. You've been trained to sleep through the night. The vast majority of your friends sleep through the night. Your entire family sleeps through the night. Everyone at church sleeps through the night. But you don't.
At first, a number of years ago, you were really frustrated about not sleeping through the night, and the frustration was compounded by people consistently asking questions as to your ability to sleep. Have you tried medication? Have you turned all your screens off before bed? Do you exercise? Do you drink caffeine in the afternoon? The fact of the matter is, you do all the things you're supposed to do, but you still wake up in the middle of the night, for apparently no reason.
You're confused and frustrated, so you pray. The next night, when it happens again, you pray. Soon, waking up in the night has changed from a time of frustration to a time of worship and getting close to God. Through those night time prayers, you grow to love God more than you could ever imagine. Now the sleeping through the night isn't a problem, it's actually a good thing. When your body wakes up at 2:15, you aren't angry or bitter, you're glad to meet with your Heavenly Father. What once was so hard has become a treasure.
A treasure to you, anyway. Everyone else is still sleeping through the night, asking you if you sleep through the night, giving suggestions about how to sleep through the night. When you tell them that it's okay, it's even good, because you are so much closer to God via those midnight conversations, they look at you with pity and a bit like you're crazy. Not sleeping through the night is no treasure to them. They have not experienced meeting God every night for years, so they don't understand.
The other thing about not sleeping through the night is that sometimes you're tired, sometimes you need a nap, and then people are always helpful to point out that if you just took medication, you'd sleep through the night. But it's also okay to just be tired, and in being tired to trust God to provide the strength you do not have. And it's okay to take a nap.
Singleness is kind of like that. Maybe you didn't desire being single, but since being single you have learned so much about God, your relationship with Him has become dear and deep. Christ is sufficient for you. The hard part is that people don't understand. You are not treated like a whole person, you are treated like an incomplete person or a person with a problem. At a certain age, "normal" people get married and have kids, and since you have reached and exceeded that age without getting married or having kids, you are not normal. Being different can be hard because of how it makes you feel and because your needs are also different from others.
But if you have been meeting with God, you know that He is good and faithful, even in the dark. Your singleness may be a trial or difficulty, but it is not bad. On the contrary, it is actually quite good. Psalm 40:5. It can become a treasure. It can be the tool that makes you love Jesus and look like Jesus.
What I'm Reading Lately
- This is Kate by Margaret Hard. This was a thrift store find
- Literary Criticism by Bressler. This book and I have become inseparable as I study for my English exam. If you're interested in literary criticism, there is also a podcast called Theory and Philosophy by David Guignion that is pretty interesting (though there is some swearing)
- Kingdom of the Blind by Louise Penny
- Twelve Extraordinary Women by John MacArthur Jr. This is our book club book.
- Fernando Ortega's music
- singing Psalms
- A clean counter
- baking sourdough
- teaching music
- blue light glasses
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